grief.

honestly, the whole last month has been a series of confusion and a reminder on the life i love. between february & now, life has halted and forced me to slow the hell down. now, i have already been heavy on slowing down this past year…i guess it just wasn’t enough.

february is already a rough month for me. i personally believe that in life, you chose a lot of your family. mine started in high school. i moved to a new school and was welcomed with open arms from one particular girl, that girl is so incredibly special. she became my chosen sister. & her younger brothers became my chosen brothers. god, i love all of them so much. there’s part of me everyday that just wants to make them all proud, especially their dad, who i couldn’t be more thankful to claim as a chosen father for me. the love i have for them all is hard to describe.

2015.

i remember the day. she came to say hi because she was back in town from college. i’ll never be more thankful for that day and giving her massive hugs & love. the next day, something was off, i hadn’t seen bubs in the hallway like usual, i was told by my coach to get everyone in the back gym, something was wrong… we ended up getting news that she passed. that shit still makes me cry thinking about it & it never gets easier to talk about. therefore, gonna try to spare details.

finding this information out haunted me for weeks. i don’t remember a lot about the timeline after we found out, that entire section of months is a blur. when i was a little girl, i swore i’d never get a tattoo. she was the reason i broke my no tattoo rule, drove out of state & got a my first tattoo in the handwriting of her family, at the age of 17.

fast forward to 2024.

i met an incredible tattoo artist. another incredible soul. he did two tattoos for me that were so special. i locked in on waiting to get another tattoo until he could do it again. in november of 2025, my mom and i started back our tattoo therapy days. there was one specific tattoo i’ve held on since 2021/2022. i had the quote for the cost & everything. just wasn’t sold on the artist. well, in january, i had it figured out. we locked in a february date. that date was 2/21. it was perfect. it was my sister’s birthday. now, the tattoo i was getting was going to be spanning my ribs. i remember my sis talking about hers. i couldn’t think of a more fitting timeline. this year marks 11 years without her here on earth. that was her number & if you’re into astrology and shit, my life path number is 11. this tattoo tied into that. the puzzle pieces were so ideal for the timing.

fast forward to last month.

february marked the first friday the 13th of the year. a truly mistaken day for horror or bad luck. my dude got my mom & i in for our monthly tiny tattoos we were doing with him. sitting in his chair is not only ink therapy, but also a good friend who understood things on the same level as me & my mom. this time i went first & my mom second. this dude’s name was tedd. tedd & i talked for hours about life, “conspiracy theories”, decisions we’ve made, where to go off roading at big bend, travel, family & even death. tedd was doing yet another family tat for me, a protection tat & my crow tattoo. i was undecided on my bee tattoo and swapped it for a small one to honor my husband. tedd loved our tattoo ideas. hated tiny details, but he was damn good at them and had the perfect creative touch to make them a bit of his own. my crow was a symbol of my crow guardians. they come to me when i need to slow down and start watching. they remind me to sit in the present and to sometimes warn me. another type of protection symbol i suppose you could say, just specifically for guardian protection. i had to leave shortly after my tattoo this time instead of staying with my mom like i usually do. he said he could take her home & we were all set. i called him after i left to ask my mom a question, and in true tedd fashion, he was cracking up jokes. i left and said i loved them both and i’d see them later.

saturday, i took my husband to work. found a banger song on the way back home. it was called “the last one dancing by lyra vesperi”. first time i ever heard it. stayed on repeat throughout the day & still to this day. saturday was crazy, my mom and i ran to cedar park to pick up some orders and on the way back saw a rainbow. got home and saw double rainbows. on the way there, there was a bird with it’s wings splayed out. i even took a photo of the stars that night, they were so pretty. just a lot of interesting things. the weekend went by, hadn’t heard back from tedd about our next date.

then came monday. i woke up early & discovered a post. i called alex then i called tedd. it rang & rang, until it hit the voicemail. i had to text a mutual friend. she immediately said i could call her & she hated how i found out… but tedd had passed. i cried for a good portion of the day & then cleaned. something i would do when he would call. i found out he passed 2/14, that saturday. the night of our tattoos, or early morning after our tattoos. however that’s technically considered. less than six hours after i saw him. not only did that bring back flashes of when i found out about my sister, but it was baffling. it’s a weird feeling that i truly can’t describe.

now one thing we talked about, was how in life, all we ever cared about from someone was if they were a good person at heart. how we truly didn’t give a shit about anything else, if you were a good, decent person that it was cool. i don’t think he knew how great of a person he was. how many people he impacted. he thought it was so fucking cool i could sense the paranormal and when i picked up on luna, he thought it was sick. he always wanted to experience it, but since he didn’t, he better learn how to show himself now.

i’ve thought about both of them heavily lately. my girl could light up a fucking room. the kindest person i’ve probably ever known, intelligent, badass at all sports, especially basketball, and the most genuine. tedd was a soul i vibed with. we clicked. the conversations we could have, i can’t have with just anyone. we always joked how he had literally been tattooing longer than i had been alive, yet he never let that hinder him from anything we talked about or how he treated me.

an honor it is, to be one of the last two people to sit in his chair. im so honored it was my mom & i. it’s an odd thing to be grieving while also waiting on his art to heal. it’s an odd thing to have something so special planned and then lose that & another good friend.

two of the things both of them had in common was their mass amount of belief and support for anything i do. she was the only one i ever allowed to read my poetry & i unfortunately stopped after she passed. i’d maybe write one thing here or there, but i used to write everyday. tedd was so encouraging about me creating new products and getting some of my tattoo balm in his room so he could offer it to his clients. he was in love with the fresh milled cream of wheat i made him, he wanted me to get my dream grain mill so bad. he never failed to say he raved about my business to someone he tattooed that day. now, i’m saddened he is now one of my guardian angels, but damn, i’ll say i got some of the best ones out there.

i see them in so many things. ive seen her visit in dreams, as lady bugs, hummingbirds & so much more. tedds been visiting through the rainbows with luna, he’s shown up as a honeybee and in the stillness of the day. (literally had one come to me as soon as i saved this) im thankful to be able to pick up when they visit.

february will continue to be a hard month for the rest of my days, but in the word’s of tedd, “you never really deal with death, you just kind of do life and cope with the death.”. and in fashion of my sister’s song she used to always play, when having a hard day, “you shake it off, shake it off.”…

i love them both & will continue to miss their physical presence on this earth.

*if you are dealing with the death of someone special, i am truly so sorry and i know that doesn’t hold much weight.